Story of the Week: Don’t Read This If You Hate Toilet Humor

So I realized that a few months ago (like 6) I started a new featured called “Story of the Week”.. I did two of them and pretty much forgot about it. Or maybe I realized that most of my good stories aren’t ones that I’m really willing to share publicly due to embarrassing reasons or something like that. So this week, I’ve decided to bring it back but it’s not really a story. It’s like, random little blurbs of stories. Basically, the only good parts of them. So yeah.. Here goes…

When I was in Kindergarten, I had this really freaking sweet Batman belt that I decided to wear to school one day, even though I couldn’t completely operate it correctly. Well, I ended up having to pee really bad but I couldn’t get my belt undone. At this point in my life I hadn’t really developed my skills to just easily whip my unit out via the zipper hole. So, in a desperate act I went to ask the teacher to undo my belt for me. I hurried back but still didn’t quite make it in time. Pissed my pants big time. Luckily they gave me some cool red sweat pants to wear the rest of the day so I didn’t have to walk around in my “dirty pee pants”… I didn’t wear a belt again until I was like 10.

When I was in like 1st grade, I had been sick for a few days. Went back to school, teacher asked if I was feeling better and I said “I feel way better!” as I was sitting down in my seat. About that time, an anal eruption happened and I shit all in my pants. They made my mom come get me and take me home. That’s actually the only time I’ve shit my pants. I think it scarred me for life or something.

When I was about 8 years old, I had this sweet bmx bike that was lime green and stuff. I thought I was the shit. Me and some other kids were hitting this SICK single but the downhill approach to it was littered with rain ruts. Well, I go down once and the front wheel catches one of those ruts and turns the front end. I go to fall but guess where the handlebars go? Yeah, straight into my groin. Like, another few centimeters to my right and it would’ve smashed up my banana and grapes pretty good so I was actually really lucky, except for the fact that I couldn’t walk right. Like, I was walking like Rob Mitchell does after we spend the weekend together. (KIDDING!!!… or am I?)

When I was a baby, my older cousin was pushing me in a stroller… Well, he was actually running… And the wheels caught a tree root and dumped me out.

When I was like 2, that same cousin helped me “climb a tree” against my will and let me also fall out of said tree…

I think those last two explain a lot about me.

I want to put on a hare scramble race in Florida… With a twist… It’s a survival run. The property is all fenced in and there’s dozens and dozens of panthers, bulls, alligators, lions, tigers, cougars, bears, and French people running all around where the course is. Whoever doesn’t get mauled wins… That’s not really a story but it would make a good one later.

One time, I went riding with my good friend Katie Norton and her brother Jesse… We were cruising up some perimeter trail and I was lofting the front wheel over a bunch of water holes. Well, I checked up on one just a little too much and ran Katie clear off the trail into a mega deep mud hole.. Oops.

I said “hookers and blow” 4 times before noon today.

The End.

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One Comment on “Story of the Week: Don’t Read This If You Hate Toilet Humor”

  1. Rob Johnson 08/27/2012 at 12:24 am #

    AWESOMENESS! bring your belt to Dilla!

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